Hello readers,
Im not sure where too begin. I miss someone that was in my life, I wish I could be friends, but its past that point to where it is possible. Im not sure if I am meant to be with anyone. I think God created me to be single, till I kill over. It seems I just hurt people, I try to do good and be thoughtful, but things happen in my life, to where i wonder why did that happen? What did I do?
As of now I feel like whatever I do I cant win. My parents left today and I miss them. As of now I feel very alone, I despise that feeling. Where you cant turn to really anyone. Old friends are busy, your roomates are well your roomates, parents gone, brother doesn't even talk to me. It's hard, it really is. I try to be strong for myself but sometimes I just can't do it. I break down and fall short. Again not putting God first. It's like I don't know how to be happy. When I start something happens. Im at a loss in life right now, everything seems very bleak. I am being very open with all of you, not that anyone probably reads this blog at all but , hey, it's ok , we all get caught up in our lives.
The most frustrating thing is where you see in your mind where you want to go in life, and you can't get there it seems. Then you start doubting your purpose and wondering what the crap am I supposed to become, what IS God's plan for my life. Only he know's but man , I wish he would tell me a little faster. I need to get away, from everyone and everything. Im completly broke beyond belief but I just want to get in my car and go, no thinking, no planning, just go, go on an adventure. In "Through Painted Desserts" by Donald Miller, my favourite author, he shares his story on his travels and adventures, it amazing.
I miss my parents, I miss being happy, I hate when I am quick to anger and am short with people I care about, I really really despise that about myself. I always thought I was a good person with a good heart but people accuse me of such horrible things that are not true but why do they think that? What did I do?I always apologize after I have done something wrong and will admit, but I will never understand peoples actions or behavior. It's like should I trust anyone? Can you? It seems like just when you think this person wouldn't hurt you, they do. Is their any point to having any sort of relationship with anyone? That sounds horrible and I know God didn't create us like that , but, man, I can't do it.
Im tired of my crap. I want to go visit my very pregnant friend, I want to go to church with my best friend jenna that I have not talked to in a long time. I want my brother to show he cares about my life and hold a conversation with me, I want to be amazing with God, I want to not be short and get mad so easily, I want my patience back. I miss church. I despise being at this loss, I hate having absolutely no money, 20 dollars in my bank, im at work, and im falling asleep because im so tired, disney is retarded and charges 3 dollars for coffee, so I get some and then what happens, it gets knocked over. FML.
Life is one tough journey, but I want mine to be meaningful, and when I look back I want to be happy and accomplished something, and changed peoples life in a good way. I am an actor, I can and have the talent to act, I want to share that, but for some freakin reason it is the hardest thing, or maybe im not trying hard enough, but then I see these tools on tv and its like.....I don't get it. It is me, its my passion, I am the happiest when I am doing what I love. I just want when all the crap is falling down on me, and i cannot take it, im at a loss, I want someone to be there even just to sit with me to say its ok and we will work it out, im crying as im typing this. I have not been in such a loss.
I just want to do good for people, I want to share god's love, I want to show kindness, and thoughtfulness. I want to help people, share my talents. I wanna be like my Dad. He really is the greatest man. I am so blessed. He is the only person who has shown me what real patience is and what it really means to love someone. To be so unselfish, I envy that, I wish I can be more like him. He never asks for anything, ever, but he constantly pours his heart out. Even if the person doesnt deserve it. I want to be able to give back as much as he has done for me. I want to have a happy life. And it kills me when im short with my parents, I hate that, I feel so horrible, I feel ugly. This man has given me everything and more and im a brat because im frustrated with something insignificant . I want to change that, change my attitude, my outlook on everything. The only way is through God, it really is, we can't handle everything oursleves, we are not in charge of our lives, and I am so bad at turning to God for everything.
I miss being a little girl and going fishing with my Dad in mammoth, the tea partys my mom and I use to do. The thing I want most is for God to give me the strength to have a better attitude towards my parents, that's all, that's what I want most of all above anything. They really are my life, my supporters, my rocks, and their love will never fail. I am forever blessed with parents like the ones I do. I love them with all my heart and want to be the woman I should, that a Godly woman should be like. I honestly never mean to hurt anyone.....anyone. Even if they have hurt me or accused me of certain things, I never want to cause someone pain. Who are we to judge or say this or that, but we all do it. Humble. We are not humble to one another anymore. We dont respect others as we should. Even myself. Im sorry this is a long one but im just letting it all go. I have noone to turn to at the moment, but im listening to gospel in my room by myself, and crying, letting it go, giving it to him, cause I cannot do it, I cant.
Have a good weekend guys, more updates soon.
Lady Laura
P.S. Smile at someone you dont know :)
